What should we do when our children grow silent?
I always feel like a loser when New Year’s rolls around. Friends and family are busy making resolutions, and I just don’t. When asked what my resolutions are for the new year, I usually mumble a feeble, “I don’t have any.”
It’s not that I’m anti-resolution. I think I’m just anti-failure—and most New Year’s resolutions seem ready-made for failure. The parents writing Heart to heart’s column this month really get at the heart of where I’m coming from. They put into words the way I’ve felt for years but could never express. So, read through their articles and resolve away! Or, perhaps even better, sit down with your family and create some realistic goals that you can work on achieving with support from one another.
It’s a running joke every January at the fitness club I attend. One of the “regulars” looks around the packed club and grouses, “Why are there so many people here?” Someone else inevitably replies, “Just wait until February.”
It’s so true. If you search online for the “top 10 broken New Year’s resolutions,” losing weight and getting fit is number one. Another online statistic reports that about only eight percent of people who make New Year’s resolutions keep them. Ouch. I’m no scientist, but attempting something repeatedly with such low probability of success seems a little futile.
So why do we even bother to make New Year’s resolutions? Maybe it’s human nature to want a fresh start in a new year. Maybe it’s in response to eating way too many Christmas cookies and not wanting to buy bigger pants. Whatever it is, it’s also a part of human nature to try—and sometimes fail—at making lasting, positive changes in our lives.
So should we even try? And should we encourage our children to set New Year’s resolutions? I think that everyone needs some achievable, tangible goals, even if they aren’t written in red pen on January 1 on our calendars. But here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Resolutions should be realistic, measurable, and tackled in manageable chunks.Instead of vowing, “I am going to lose 50 pounds this year!” perhaps start with: “I am going to commit to walking for 30 minutes, 3 times per week.” And who doesn’t want to commit to spending more time in God’s Word? So, if “I am going to read through my entire Bible this year” seems too daunting, try: “I am going to find a manageable Bible reading plan and read my Bible for 10 minutes each day.”
- Accountability can help us make positive changes in our lives.There are times my husband has had to pull me, groaning and griping, off the couch to get me to exercise. There are times I’ve done the same for him. Families are great accountability groups. Parents, try sitting down with your kids and asking them for three realistic, measurable goals for the new year. Ask: What steps do you need to take to achieve these? How can I help you stick to these goals? Then parents, you do the same. Set goals for yourselves, share them with your kids, and ask them to keep you accountable. Pray as a family for God to bless your efforts and give you strength to achieve your goals. And don’t forget to celebrate every little victory along the way.
- Ask God’s forgiveness—and forgive yourself—when you stumble.We’re human. We fail every day. What a comfort it is having a loving God who forgives our failures through the blood of his Son, Jesus!
And ultimately, remember that even the best resolutions can fail. We can plan and plan and try and try, but some things are beyond our control. Stuff happens. Remember, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps” (Proverbs 16:9). Some things we want just aren’t in God’s plan for our lives, and that’s okay. Knowing that our loving God already has the entirety of our lives mapped out in his perfect plan is a huge comfort to us—and to our kids.
Ann Jahns and her husband, Thad, have three sons and a recently emptied nest.
“Hudson, my man! Let’s talk about the club we’re starting.”
Hudson is my eight-year-old grandson. In January 2018, Hudson and I are founding a photography club.
“I have ideas about how to make sure our club doesn’t fizzle out,” I say. “Want to hear them?”
I show him the note app on my phone. “I have seven suggestions. Tell me what you think. The first is that we promise each other to keep our club going. Can we shake on that?”
Hudson slaps his hand into mine. We shake hands like we are making a million-dollar deal.
“The second thing is to tell others about our club. It will be harder to quit if others know we’re doing this. Better yet, we can give permission to one or two people to encourage us. I’m going to tell Nana. Whom will you tell?”
His face squinches in thought. “Mom and Dad.”
“Good choice. They’ll want to help.”
“Here’s the third thing. We can tell Jesus we’re doing this and ask for his help. Would you be willing to pray about our club?”
Hudson nods his commitment.
“The next thing we can do is schedule our club meetings. If I don’t put a meeting on my calendar, I probably won’t have time for it. Would the second Saturday of each month work for you?” Hudson looks uncertain. “Let’s ask your parents if that would be okay.”
“Number five: we need a sign to remind us. Something for my office. Something for your room. Would you make us each a sign? Maybe it could say, ‘Remember the photography club.’ ”
“I could do that, I guess,” he answers. “I could draw with a bunch of colors so we won’t miss seeing it.”
“That sounds great. Thank you.”
“Number six is that we reward ourselves for sticking to our commitment. What if we go to Culvers for a frozen custard cone in July?”
“Yes. That would be cool!”
“Okay. I have one more idea to help us keep our New Year’s resolution. Let’s decide we will do our photography club first of all to thank Jesus for loving us. Does that make sense?”
Hudson ponders for a moment. “Yes, it does,” he says. “Papa, I can’t wait to start our club. It’s going to be fun.”
“It will, Hudson. Let’s hug on it.”
James Aderman and his wife, Sharon, raised three daughters and are now enjoying their eight grandchildren.
I’ve never liked the term resolution. It has an ugly connotation in my mind of failed attempts at weight loss and unsustainable, temporary life changes. For several years now, my husband and I have spent New Year’s Eve setting goals rather than resolutions for the coming year. We record them on one of our phones and keep each other in check on achieving those goals. This process is meant to be fun more than anything—a chance to learn a new skill or shave a few minutes off a race time, but they can also be geared toward strengthening our faith life, both personally and as a family.
Our kids are often a part of this process, more our daughter than our young son (who would rather just snitch leftover Christmas cookies while the grownups are distracted!). We encourage Anna to set goals for herself as well. Anything from learning a new skill to reading the Bible daily to training for a race.
When I think of goals versus resolutions, one thing stands out to me. Resolutions tend to be an immediate, often dramatic change in behavior, while goals are achievable, eventual changes that can be measured. Teaching our kids to work toward goals will be a huge help to them as they grow in their personal and professional lives, and we’re (hopefully) showing them that it’s not a scary process to tackle.
Setting goals for personal change can be a good thing, if we don’t allow it to become an idol for ourselves. I believe involving our kids in our tradition allows them to see their parents working toward—and often achieving—fun and reasonable accomplishments. It also allows them to see us struggle or fail occasionally. We can pray about our progress together. We can work together on spiritual goals like family devotion time or family service projects. Working toward and achieving goals as a family and supporting each other in our personal goals has been a wonderful bonding experience for our family—something we all look forward to each year.
Kerry Ognenoff and her husband, Andy, have two young children—nine-year-old Anna and five-year-old Henry.
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Author: Multiple Authors
Volume 105, Number 01
Issue: January 2018
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