Tag Archive for: mental health

Child safety: Why talk to kids about abuse?

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An average five-year-old knows that putting a hand in the fire is painful. The child understands it is dangerous even if they have never experienced a burn. Why? Multiple adults and older children have warned them about the dangers of fire, which keeps them safer. The same holds for child abuse. Children are less likely to be victimized when caring adults teach them about abuse (Findelhor, D. & Dziuba-Leatherman, J., 1995).

If education is a critical component of abuse prevention, why is it missing in many churches and schools? The topic is difficult to broach with children, and it can lead to hearing discomforting stories from students.

Some people believe that Christians are immune to this sin. The Bible shows us this is a false view of the impact of sinful human nature in our struggle against sin. For example, although the Bible calls Lot a man of faith, it also records that he offered his daughters to the mob men in Sodom. Can you imagine his daughters’ fear when they heard their father invited those men to do with them as they pleased? Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse.

Even the possibility that child abuse and neglect could happen in our schools and churches or among our families should compel us to teach our children about abuse. The loving way to help children is to provide education about it. This gives them the tools to understand what is and is not okay, no matter what an adult tells them.

Abuse education signals to children that they have an adult who will listen and believe their story and don’t need to “keep a secret.” Those stories are the only way for children to get help and stop the abuse. They need powerful allies who will speak and advocate for them.

Many good educational programs are available to give children age-appropriate skills and keep them safer. They incorporate training for parents so that parents practice with their children. These programs teach children in a non-threatening way, opening the door for continued discussions.

Abuse prevention starts with teaching children to protect boundaries for body safety, recognize trouble and move away from it, and get help from adults in power. It allows you to change a child’s life.

Finkelhor, D., & Dziuba-Leatherman, J. (1995). Victimization prevention programs: A national survey of children’s exposure and reactions. Child Abuse & Neglect, 19(2), 129–139.

We recommend these programs for teachers and parents:

Freedom for the Captives, part of WELS Special Minisitries, seeks to empower the Christian community to respond with excellence to the sin of child abuse. To this end, we provide resources to pastors, teachers, and lay Christians that will deepen their understanding of child abuse and improve the Christian response to the physical, emotional and spiritual impact of maltreatment. We also have resources for survivors including recommended readings and guidance in selecting counseling or other services. In addition to the resources on our website, we also offer direct assistance to individual survivors who may have a spiritual question not addressed on our website or who need assistance in finding a counselor.

Learn more at freedomforcaptives.com.

 

 

When dreams need to change

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Do you remember a time that you and your spouse eagerly awaited the arrival of a new child entering your family? If not, have your shared the excitement of a close friend or family member waiting for the birth of a child?

It can be such a wonderful time, full of hopes and dreams! The expectant parents imagine what their child will look like. They picture themselves enjoying everyday events with their child, such as family meals, trips to the zoo, and school field trips. They imagine the fun of birthdays and Christmases together. And they dream about who and what their child might someday become.

But sometimes those dreams need to change. A child may be born with a severe disability or a serious and chronic medical condition, or the child may experience an accident that changes physical or mental abilities forever. And the parents’ dreams are no longer realistic. When that happens, parents generally go through a period of grieving. Eventually, a greater acceptance occurs, and the parents change their dreams and recognize the blessing that their child still is.

This acceptance doesn’t eliminate parental doubts, however. Raising a child with extraordinary needs tends to be very overwhelming and exhausting. Even when the parents fully accept and appreciate their child, on days when those parents are especially overwhelmed and exhausted, they may tend to have doubts such as these return:

  • Why did this happen to my child? We didn’t plan for this!
  • There’s nothing special about me as a parent. I’m not a good enough parent for this situation. I don’t think I can handle this!
  • If God cares for me and my child so much, why doesn’t he fix this?
  • Other parents just don’t get it. I feel so alone!
  • I have a “forever child” whom I will need to care for as long as I live—and what will happen to my child when I die? I can’t die!

These thoughts are all natural and nothing for which parents should feel ashamed. Our Light for Parents ministry is led by parents of children with extraordinary needs who want to make sure other parents of such children receive the Christian love and support that they need.

This fall, Light for Parents will begin leading online book discussion groups, and the first book will address the types of questions listed above from a Christian perspective. Please watch the Light for Parents website and Facebook page for an announcement and sign-up information. And pray specifically for the parents you know who may be experiencing such thoughts, even if they don’t tell you about them. Pray that they will feel God’s love and care for them—including through the work of Light for Parents.

 

 

 

Updates from Conquerors through Christ

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Conquerors through Christ is not JUST a ministry for those addicted to pornography. For the last ten years we’ve been creating resources and recognize that the problem of porn is so much bigger than just the people who are using porn.

There are spouses, significant others, parents, siblings, teachers, and pastors who are affected. Whether it’s through broken trust and resulting pain or a desire to support and help, the problems of porn ripple into the lives of others.

That’s why CTC is continuing to add to its suite of resources to address the many other issues that attend pornography addiction.

Our “First 40 Days” devotional is an empathetic daily devotional for a person to start any time they fall into sexual temptation. It walks the reader through practical ways to build habits for 40 days that will set them up for success. This can be a great first resource to give someone you know who is struggling, but can also be a resource for you to understand their struggle.

Parents want to prepare their children to fight the sexualization of our culture. To support them, we created the “Parent Support System.” This tool guides parents, teachers, and pastors to train children from preschoolers into high school to prepare themselves to resist sexual sin.

How do you preach on pornography?!? We developed our “Training Camp” which helps pastors become better equipped to preach about pornography. Additionally, we have Bible studies to thoughtfully talk about pornography and other sexual sin.

Finally, we are excited to announce that we are in the process of developing a suite of resources to help couples (and other family members) rebuild trust after a loved one falls into pornography. This will include a triage resource for the emotions that come when a loved one feels hurt, an interactive assessment tool for identifying issues, a plan for rebuilding trust, and tools for maintaining that trust in the years to come.

Whether you’re married, single, a parent, a child, or a called worker, we want to help you pursue godly sexuality. Visit www.conquerorsthroughtchrist.net.

 

 

 

 

Do not Despise a Little One

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See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. Matthew 18:10.

When Jesus urges us not to despise the little ones, he is advocating that we listen to children, keep them safe, and support them spiritually when they have been harmed.

When it comes to child abuse, though, the signs are all too easy to ignore. A child’s voice is often disregarded or not believed. Why?

No children in my church have abusive families

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, last year about one in seven children experienced abuse and neglect. One in seven. Like all sin, this one does not stop at the church doors.

I have not seen any kids with bruises

The number one type of abuse is neglect, the failure to meet a child’s basic physical and emotional needs. This include providing adequate housing, food, clothing, education, and access to medical care.

Neglect looks like “Tommy,” a child in my first-grade classroom. Tommy always had body odor, his teeth were all silver because of extensive tooth decay, and he reported going to the bar his parents owned after school. Tommy was neglected, and he needed someone to intervene. You have children like Tommy in your church. Find them.

I don’t want to cause trouble in the family

I felt this way once, too. It comes from good, but misplaced, intentions. Our responsibility lies with the child’s well-being, which means abuse must be reported to authorities. They have the knowledge needed to investigate and address any family interventions needed. Reporting is a loving action. It ensures that children are safe, and it may provide parents with additional resources they need.

God has blessed you with resources to help. Here are some steps a church can take, along with resources to help you get started.

  • Talk about abuse – frequently. Define what abuse is and its effects. Condemn it as a sin. Children and adult survivors need to hear that abuse is not okay and that the church has safe adults for them. The Freedom for the Captives website has information about abuse.
  • Mandatory Reports. Make reporting abuse a non-negotiable expectation for all called workers and volunteers at the church. Be clear with all parents and guardians that this is a policy at your church or school.
  • Start creating a child safety policy. A child safety policy is your plan for keeping children safe while they are in the care of the church.
  • Refer survivors to resources. Victims of abuse, including adult survivors of child abuse, may need additional help with community resources. The local domestic abuse shelter has free information. The Freedom for the Captives website has spiritual and factual information as well as information about Christian therapists.

Become familiar with abuse, its effects, and how to prevent it. Encourage children to have a chance to speak to safe adults who are ready to listen and believe. Do not despise the little ones; make them feel welcomed and help them be safe in their church.

By Michelle Markgraf

 

Freedom for the Captives offers resources for congregations and schools to assist them in identifying and addressing suspected child abuse. In addition, resources are available to help those who have experienced abuse.

freedomforcaptives.com

 

 

A Radical Change for the Better

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Can 40 days change your life or the life of someone you care about? Absolutely! If God is there.

The First 40 Days is a new devotion book from Conquerors through Christ, the WELS Special Ministry dedicated to helping Christians fight against porn and for godly sex. This book invites you on a 40-day journey that can bring you to a whole new place where the good news of God’s saving grace generates potent motivation for change, a place where Satan’s lies lose their power and God’s law becomes a trustworthy guide.

Will this trip be easy and enjoyable? Not likely. Make no mistake, it ends in joy, but fighting sin and Satan is never easy or fun. Porn use is addictive and undoing the damage often takes time, effort, and counseling. And remember, this is an invitation to the first 40 days. Defending God’s design for sex is a lifelong battle, but many who have traveled this road have found that in God’s time, they arrive at a place where they genuinely enjoy God’s breathtaking gift of sex.

The First 40 Days devotional is also helpful for people who don’t use porn. The devotions encourage those who have been hurt by the actions of someone using porn. Those who seek to help someone they know will gain insight and understanding into the struggle. We are all seeking a life that trusts God’s promises and rejoices in his ways regardless of all the false messages sent by the world. The path to rejoicing includes rejecting Satan’s lies about the short-term pleasure, learning to resist temptation, and finding ways to recover from the wounds inflicted by oneself or another. Your path just might start with The First 40 Days.

More than anything, The First 40 Days brings God’s precious Word into everyday life, where the day-to-day struggle can be overwhelming. On every page, you’ll meet Jesus, our 24/7/365 Savior. His promises apply to every detail in our lives, and they never fail. So whether your struggle is with porn itself or forgiving the person whose porn use has hurt you, on every step of your journey, Jesus is there to forgive us, pick us up, dust us off, and give us his own heart to love those around us. Every. Single. Day.

Download a copy of The First 40 Days.

 

 

 

 

How God blessed me even in the storms of child abuse

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It was all I ever knew. The screaming, the threats to harm me, the pain. My food intake was restricted. I was kept from the outside world. I believed all this was normal. I believed I was hopelessly wicked. I didn’t tell anyone. There wasn’t anyone to tell and no reason to ask for help. This was life as I knew it and if I wanted it to be good, I had to be a better person. That’s just the way it was.

Then my eyes were opened. I slowly learned that my life was not normal; in fact, it had been riddled with abuse. There was a scary world out there I hadn’t known. People acted very differently from what had been my normal. I was dumped into a culture totally foreign to mine.

The more time I spent with Christians, the more I learned that my life hadn’t been how God intended for a child to live. God never approved of the grudges held against me that made my soul burn with overwhelming guilt and terror at my sinfulness. God didn’t approve of the horrible abuses I suffered at the hands of my parent. I wasn’t the property of my parents, to do with as they saw fit. I was the dearly loved child of God.

God never willed this upbringing on me: one filled with emotional, verbal, physical, and spiritual abuse. The scars were numerous and deep. No, he hadn’t willed this life for me, but he allowed it to happen. Why did he allow it? That is a deep question that may never be entirely answered, but I have seen the good he brought out of the awful mess of my childhood.

Would I have the faith I have now, if I hadn’t had to wrestle with pain and fear? Would I have the great hunger for God’s Word if I hadn’t been deprived of the truth for so long? What about my appreciation for forgiveness? Would I take it for granted if it hadn’t been withheld from me for so long and in such painful ways? I don’t know.

Certainly there are many who knew the truth their whole lives and cling to it with great strength. I have examples of that in some good friends of mine, but some people fall away after growing up in the Word. I know that I see God’s grace and forgiveness as precious blessings after feeling I was without them for so long.

Then there’s the understanding I gained from my past that I wouldn’t have if I had been raised in a God-pleasing way. I understand abuse survivors. I have received a gift of extreme empathy from my struggles that drives me to help hurting people. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

Do I wish I hadn’t been abused? Do I wish I had a normal upbringing? There are times I think about what it would have been like to grow up without abuse. I still have difficult struggles because of what I endured. Life would be much easier if I didn’t have these struggles. While it never should have happened, I gained too many blessings through the abuse to wish I had never had this experience. My empathy for others, my faith that grew through my trials, and other great blessings came from what I went through.

If God gave me a choice to go back and either relive the awful abuse I went through and have a strong faith, or live a normal, carefree childhood and fall away from God, I would choose to go through the abuse all over again. God knew what he was doing in allowing me to endure abuse. I’m honored he chose me.

Due to the sensitive nature of this article, the author’s name has been withheld.

Freedom for the Captives is a ministry that equips the Body of Christ to protect children and empower abuse survivors. The website is freedomforcaptives.com.

 

 

 

What do I say to a sexual assault survivor?

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Sexual assault terrifies those who have been victimized, leaving them frightened, depressed, ashamed, confused, and angry. Survivors are impacted sexually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I have ministered to women and men, young and old, who have experienced this type of life-changing trauma.

Here are some suggestions for pastors (and others) who want to say and do the right things for someone whose safety and dignity have been violated in this way.

  • Pray with—and for—the survivor. Ask what they would like you to pray for. After you have spoken to God on their behalf, tell them you have done so.
  • Use Scripture to proclaim God’s comfort and encouragement, such as Psalm 34:18-19: “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.”
  • If the event is very recent, addressing safety and other immediate needs are top priorities. If the victim is a minor, comply with laws pertaining to mandatory reporting of child abuse. If the victim is an adult, provide information about facilities that specialize in treating such trauma. (Contact a Christian counseling agency, domestic violence shelter, or law enforcement to learn what resources are available in your community.) Offer support as the adult survivor decides whether they want to contact law enforcement. Help them to develop safety plans. Respect their decisions. They are likely feeling quite powerless, so it is important to empower them to make their own choices whenever possible.
  • The ministry of simply being present is powerful. For many survivors, trust has been shattered. A pastor can be a source of comfort and offer hope that trust can be rebuilt with others. However, be sensitive. If a male committed the assault, the survivor may not feel at ease with another male, not even a pastor. Be very thoughtful about any physical contact: a hand on a shoulder, a hug, or even a handshake may not be well received at such a time.
  • Empathetic listening is key. You don’t need to have all the answers. Responses don’t need to be eloquent. Gentle, loving affirmation and validation is often what is desired most.
  • Not every sexual assault survivor will develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but some will. Encourage the survivor to seek, or help them find, Christian counseling with a mental health professional who has specialized training and experience in providing trauma-informed care.

Many survivors report that they have never heard their pastor address sexual assault in a sermon or Bible study. Imagine that you had been violated in this way. What a balm for your aching heart and mind and spirit to hear your pastor talk about how God hates abuse, how he is a God of justice, and how he is close to the brokenhearted!

May God bless your efforts to bring hope and help to sexual assault survivors.

Sheryl Cowling is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Board-Certified Expert in Traumatic Stress, and Board-Certified Professional Christian Counselor. She provides counseling services at WLCFS – Christian Family Solutions in Germantown, Wis. Her church home is Crown of Life, Hubertus.

 

 

 

Three-phase approach to fighting pornography addiction

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Conquerors through Christ (CtC) is thinking about the future.

You may already know that at conquerorsthroughchrist.net you can find a video-based, five-step plan to help anyone hooked on pornography to confront this soul-corroding addiction. We call it the REJECT portion of the battle of godly sexuality against selfish sex and pornography.

But did you know that’s only one aspect of the ministry? The other two parts are RESIST and RECOVER.

RESIST means to continue to stay away from pornography. This happens in the life of the recovering addict, but it is just as important in the life of a child. To help parents lead their children toward God’s version of sex, we are developing a full “Parent Support System” for those with children ages two through twelve. Beyond that, we’re working on a Sixth Commandment Curriculum, a High School Curriculum (almost finished!), and materials to help college and seminary students become compassionate leaders in their communities.

We’ve adopted an aggressive publishing schedule for these materials. Get updates by signing up for the CtC eNewsletter at the CtC website.
Our RECOVER ministry is in its infant stages. We’ve just started conversations about how to help whole families whose lives are torn apart by porn addiction. We’ve begun to delve into best practices for helping wives whose security has been shattered, husbands who are blindsided, and children whose futures are adversely affected by the wreckage of porn.

We’re thinking about the future, and we’d like you to join us. Head to conquerorsthroughchrist.net today to discover how you can learn from, support, and pray for this ministry. Find CtC on Facebook too!

 

 

 

When faith hurts: Responding to the spiritual impact of child abuse

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By Victor I. Vieth. Victor Vieth is a former child abuse prosecutor who went on to direct the National Center for Prosecution of Child Abuse. He is the founder and senior director of the National Child Protection Training Center, a program of Gundersen Health System. He is a member of St. John, Lewiston, Minn.

It is to the little children we must preach; it is for them that the entire ministry exists. – Martin Luther

The physical and emotional tolls of child abuse are well-known, but few appreciate its spiritual impact. According to 34 studies involving more than 19,000 abused children, a majority were affected spiritually. This may happen when an offender uses religious rationale, such as telling a child he is being beaten because of the child’s sinfulness. Or an abuser may cite a child’s biological reaction to sexual touching as proof the child is equally to blame for her own victimization. Even if the abuse is not in the name of religion, many children will have spiritual questions, for example, why God did not answer a prayer to stop the abuse. If the church does not help abused children suffering spiritually, research suggests that many will eventually leave the church, even abandon their faith. Yet the church has often ignored the needs of these children. To better prepare our called workers, all students at Martin Luther College receive training in recognizing and responding to cases of child abuse, with additional training provided at Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary. In addition, Special Ministries’ Committee on Mental Health Needs has formed a task force, Freedom for the Captives, to develop materials and training so that our churches can better help abused children in our congregations and communities. These materials will be available on a website and in other formats. Churches can also utilize these tools:

  • Child protection policies. Some studies indicate that most child molesters are religious and that the worst offenders are often active members of their church. One reason: the faith community often has weak child protection policies in its schools, Sunday schools, sports programs, and camps. If your school or church does not have rigorous child protection policies, or if you are simply not sure, speak with one or more child abuse experts who can assist you in implementing or improving your policies.
  • Training. Policies without training are often ineffective. Pastors, teachers, and church youth workers should be trained how to recognize and respond to abuse and to understand the importance of policies in deterring offenders. Instructing our children in personal safety measures is also critical, so that children know what to do if someone sexually abuses them or otherwise violates them. When done appropriately, such education is not frightening and may empower a child who is being abused to reach out to a teacher or pastor for help.
  • Sermons. Many survivors have said they never approached their pastor for help because they never heard him give a sermon about abuse, mention the topic in Bible class, or address it in any other manner. Many survivors believe the pastor simply won’t understand their pain and, like the offender, will blame them for the abuse. Meanwhile, many offenders sit smugly in the pews, confident the church will never speak out against child abuse. For the sake of the victims, we need to change this dynamic. Jesus said it would be better to be tossed into the sea with a millstone around one’s neck than to damage the faith of a boy or girl (Matthew 18:6). When it comes to this sin, our Savior’s warning has often fallen on deaf ears. As a result, children have suffered needlessly and offenders are emboldened to strike again. Owing a debt of love, and aware that our Savior will ask us to give an accounting of the children he has placed in our care, we must pray for and act on their behalf.

 

 

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