Heart to heart: Parent conversations : What should we do when our children grow silent?
What should we do when our children grow silent?
There are days when we all would long for some silence as parentsāduring those longĀ colicky twilight hours;Ā the āwhyāĀ stage of toddlerdom;Ā the early grade school years whenĀ weāre treated to an unending litany of made-upĀ knock-knock jokes;Ā and the āyouāre so uncool, why canāt I . . .āĀ rants, stomping, and door slammingĀ of pre-teens and teens. Yet, there are also times when we get concerned once that silence materializes. Our authors this month give us some options for how to deal with that kind of silence. So far,Ā none of them are willing to offer ways to achieve silenceĀ during those other stages. . .Ā Ā
Nicole Balza
It seems that we live in fear of quietness.Ā Not only do we as a culture shyĀ away from it, but we donāt particularly like it when our children grow quiet.Ā Ā
I would encourage you to embrace the quietness.Ā
One of theĀ benefits to homeschooling for six yearsĀ was that IĀ easilyĀ was able to incorporate quiet time with God into our day. Now that most of them are in brick-and-mortar schools, it is a little more difficult, but my children have learned the benefits to taking quiet time.Ā
Jesus modeled quiet time on a regular basis. Whenever his disciples couldnāt find him, it was usually because Jesus took time out to be in solitude with his Father.Ā
What a gift to model to our own children. When we are frustrated, scared, confused, or even full of joy, how often do we find solitude toĀ hang out with Jesus? When my children are angry or overwhelmed, they can learn to take the time to break away from the chaos (or even the perceived chaos) and lean on theĀ true Comforter.Ā
What about whenĀ our children grow quiet to isolate themselves in an unhealthy way?Ā Tad and I work hard to create space. Safe space. Space to feel disappointed, hurt, overwhelmed. Let them share without judgment or the need to fix (this is a constant struggle for me). Listen. Really listen.Ā Without reacting.Ā Ā
Sometimes ourĀ kidsĀ justĀ donāt want to talk toĀ us.Ā I truly believe that is okay. Tad and I have prayerfully asked for guidance to find Christian mentors for each ofĀ our children. We found peopleĀ who foster relationships with our children soĀ they can go toĀ themĀ when they donāt feel like theyĀ are ready to talk to us. We intentionally askĀ people who we know will provide the spiritual guidance that will bring our children closer to Jesus.Ā Ā
One last thing I would like to add is to pray.Ā Pray forĀ your children. Not only in the quiet of your bedroom at night, but also out loud in front of them. Maybe pray outside their closed door. Maybe prayĀ in the car while they are strappedĀ . . .Ā I mean, buckledĀ . . .Ā in.Ā Maybe even put your hands on them and literally pray over them.Ā Let them hear the words you share with your heavenly Father on their behalf. Maybe pray in their room when they arenāt in there.Ā Whatever it looks like in your home, keep praying.Ā
JenniĀ SchubringĀ and her husband, Tad, have five children ranging in age from 8 to 16. They are also licensed foster parents.Ā Ā
One of the greatest skills of parenting isĀ communicating withĀ our children.Ā Truly hearing them, reflecting their words, giving them an understanding that their thoughts and feelings are heard and acknowledged.Ā Donāt we all want people like this in our lives?Ā What a wonderful demonstration of love to be fully present with another person in close communication.Ā Ā
As children grow and develop and experience a multitude of new things, there is a lot to process and understand.Ā What if we get the sense thatĀ our child doesnāt want to talk about it?Ā Here are a few things to keep in mind:Ā
Parents of young children:Ā Now is the time to set the stage for a lifetime of proper communication.Ā Get them used to talking about theirĀ day.Ā Consider making it a bedtime ritual.Ā Share one great part of your day and one not-so-great partāboth childĀ andĀ parent.Ā Then spend time in prayer thanking God for the highs and asking for his help regarding the lows.Ā This early communication sets the stage for the teen years.Ā Ā
Another thing to keep in mind is our childrenās temperaments.Ā By nature,Ā donātĀ some kids seem to think out loudĀ and others internalize?Ā Some kids want/need to be verbal.Ā Others, not so much.Ā WeĀ parentsĀ have these same natural preferences.Ā
Hereās a recent example in my family.Ā I picked up Kayla fromĀ an after-school practiceĀ andĀ said,Ā āHi.ā I got aĀ hiĀ back,Ā and then IĀ settled into a comfortable silence.Ā After a few seconds,Ā Kayla said, āAsk me something about high school.āĀ Ā
Boy,Ā do I have it made in the communication parenting skill area with her!Ā Not only did my extroverted daughter tell me about her day, butĀ sheĀ even interjectedĀ questions to herself for me!Ā āLetās see, what else happened today?āĀ Ā
NowĀ myĀ seventh-gradeĀ son,Ā Josh,Ā is a bit different.Ā I picked him up from school and made the mistake of askingĀ himĀ a close-endedĀ question:Ā āHow was your day, buddy?āĀ He replied with, āGood.āĀ Insert silence.Ā
I have come to understand thatĀ JoshĀ prefers to process his thoughts internally and needs to be drawn out with more questions such as,Ā āWhat was your favorite thingĀ today?āĀ āHowĀ come?āĀ āWhat did everyone play at recess?āĀ Reflecting some of his thoughts and feelings keeps the communication going.Ā But there are times when an introvert simply needs to spend time in thought in order to process effectively.Ā Silence is important.Ā Ā
Is it a problem whenĀ ourĀ kids are silent?Ā Maybe for some.Ā If Kayla grew silent,Ā Iād be quite concerned.Ā I wouldĀ check on her for sure.Ā Joshās silence can beĀ harder to decipher. Is it his natural tendency or could he be troubled?Ā Whichever the case, my wife, Kelly, and I make it our goal to watch for those opportunities to check in and give both kids the understanding thatĀ weĀ are here and willing to talk if or when they needĀ to.Ā It is our way of demonstrating our love for God in their lives.Ā Ā
DanĀ NommensenĀ and his wife, Kelly, have a teenage daughter and a pre-teen son.Ā
Sometimes I think half the battle of parenting is not to take anything too personally. When your teenage boy goes quiet, for instance, itās usually not about you.āÆĀ
It can be a hard adjustment, though, because wasnāt it just last week when he was sitting in the kitchen, going on and on while you were browning the ground beef? I once listed everything my 11-year-old son talked about in a 20-minute stream-of-consciousness deluge, at which my only requirement was to nod and grunt. His oration included palindromes, peristalsis (which is why you can drink milk upside down), how his arms were getting stronger (so adorable), and the middle name of HarryĀ Truman. (ItāsĀ āS,āĀ by the way. I know this because he told me.)Ā
But then the chatterbox morphs into the one grunting, and you panic a little: Why doesnāt he talk toĀ meĀ anymore? Is he in trouble? Does he hateĀ me?āÆĀ
What I learned is this:āÆĀ
- A bit of silence is normal. Teens are supposed to grow up and separatefrom their parents. Part of that is talking to you less often.āÆĀ
- Asking a million questions does not work. Even though you just want him to know youāre interested in his life, it can come off as prying and controlling.
- It sometimes works to ask about a friend: āSo why isnāt Riley going out for choir this year?ā That can lead to an actual conversationāabout other friends, Rileyās pool party three weeks ago, and maybe even the girl heās had his eye on. (Mission accomplished.)
- Respect his privacy. DonātshareĀ the news about that girl he has his eye on with your book club.āÆĀ
- Donāt make everything a teachable moment. If he tells you heās going to skip college and take his garage band on the road, just say, āOkay!ā Chances are, heāll figure outhow dumb that is all on his own. But if you shut him downĀ right away, the next time he has a big dream or crazy idea, he wonātĀ bringĀ it to you.Ā Ā
- Have adult conversations about adult topics at the dinner tableāthe latest political question, a home budget issue, something you saw at the store that made you uncomfortable. Let everybody weigh in. Treat all responses, even the immature ones, with equal respect.
Now itās possibleĀ that a teenagerās silence is a warning sign. If heās hiding in his room all the time or is exceptionally surly, he may be struggling with something bigger than he can handleāa traumatic breakup, guilt over a sin, an Instagram situation that exploded, some kind of violence, even depression or substance abuse.Ā
In this case, although heās silent, heās actually crying out for help, and you need to be the parent. Search his room. Check his social media. Ask another adult he trustsāan uncle or teacherāif somethingās going on that you should know about. If the situation warrants, talk to a counselor with him.āÆĀ
But thatās the exception. Usually a little silence is just part of your teenagerās individuationāgrowing up and separating himself from you. (This is the goal, remember? We donāt want to be doing their laundry when theyāre 23.)āÆĀ
If you give him respectĀ and love and space,Ā heāll know he can come talkĀ to youĀ whenever he wants to.Ā Youāll be browning the ground beefĀ some evening, and suddenly heāll feel the need to tell youāeverything. Whether heās 11 or 17 or 30, just nod and let the boy talk.Ā Ā
Laurie Gauger-HestedĀ and her husband, Michael, have a blended family that includes her two 20-somethings and his teenage son.Ā Ā
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Author:Ā Multiple Authors
Volume 104, Number 11
Issue: November 2017
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