Heart to heart: Parent conversations: What do new moms really need to know?
What do new moms really need to know?
One of the purposes of this column is to support Christian parents. This month we’re focusing on new moms (check back next month for advice aimed at dads)—but the information shared here can boost any parent.
Often advice for new moms adds more stress than it alleviates. The advice from the authors who wrote this month, though, is designed to lighten a parent’s load. Share these nuggets with the moms in your life. Then send us your advice at firstname.lastname@example.org. To watch a short webcast that shares more of these parenting nuggets, visit forwardinchrist.net/webcasts.
Thanks to social media, I was able to poll many, many moms on what they wished they knew when they were new moms. I was able to take the pieces of advice
and break them down to five basic themes.
1. Stop comparing! All of it! Don’t compare how you look. Don’t compare what your children have or don’t have. Don’t compare how your children behave. Don’t compare how
you’re parenting. This goes both ways. Do not shame yourself for not having it all together and please, please do not judge other moms for doing it differently than you. There are so
many ways to parent, and most of them are God-honoring.
2. Take care of yourself. Continue to date your husband. Make that relationship a priority. Get sleep. Seek out your friends. Find time for solitude. Find time to do things you love.
3. Find a community. Seek out a community of moms. Help each other. Ask for help. Receive it when offered. Cheer each other on and be encouraging. Share with each other. Cry together. If you have a community of moms but they don’t do these things, find another community. My friends have been instrumental in my survival of parenting.
4. You are fully equipped. You know the Scriptures, and they “are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 3:15). You know the depth of God’s
love for you and your children. You understand forgiveness, and you can turn to the Scriptures for guidance. The Scriptures make you “thoroughly equipped for every good work” (3:17). And you are doing good work.
5. Grace. God’s love lives in you, and you can reflect that love in your day-to-day life. Live in God’s grace. Help your children live in that same grace. Encourage other moms to find comfort and energy in that grace. Remember that our God pursues our children and he loves them even more than we do. He loves you too. Passionately. There is nothing you can do to make him love you more and there is nothing you can do to make him love you less. Just because you don’t feel that way doesn’t make it any less true. Hold on to truth.
As I look at this list, the themes go beyond parenting. They speak to everyday life wherever you are in your Christian journey. Psalm 119:140 says, “Your promises have been thoroughly tested; and your servant loves them.” Trust in his promises. They never fail.
Jenni Schubring and her husband, Tad, have five children ranging in age from 8 to
16. They are also licensed foster parents.
Welcome to the adventure, friend! Parenting is hard and messy, and you’ll never be so tired in your life as you are with a newborn. But it is so worth it. I’d like to share my biggest takeaways from what I’ve experienced with my kids so far (ages 6 and 9), in hopes that they give you something to look forward to during your sleepless nights.
You will sleep again. I remember thinking after my daughter was born that I
would be tired for the rest of my life. While my days of sleeping past 9 A.M. on Saturday are long gone, most nights pass peacefully. So power through that fatigue; it does get better.
There’s no such thing as a weak-willed toddler. Have you ever tried to stuff an octopus into a pillowcase? Me neither. But I have a great idea of what it might be like after having to buckle angry toddlers into their car seats mid-meltdown. It’s hard when you’ve gone from having babies who are dependent on you for everything to little humans with opinions of their own. Patience and more patience will get you through.
This too shall pass. It’s all a series of stages. Tantrums, sleepless nights, leaving
church without actually hearing a word of the sermon due to a squirmy, active kiddo—none of these are forever. If you are stuck in the “random nudist in awkward places” stage of
toddlerhood and just cannot keep pants on your child— don’t sweat it! All parents have been through this, and it does end eventually. (Probably.)
You and your kiddos were paired by God, and you are exactly the person they need. God chose us to snuggle, feed, burp, console, teach, and love these specific little humans. He knew they needed us and we needed them. I hold on to this when stages are
particularly difficult. (Hello, impending teenage-hood!) I am, without a doubt, the right person for this job. Even if I don’t always feel like it. Even if sometimes I want to run
screaming into the woods and embrace life as a hermit. I am meant to be their mom, and they are meant to be my kids. Trust in this when you find yourself questioning your parenting abilities. God knew what he was doing when he put you together. He loves you and your kiddos.
Kerry Ognenoff and her husband, Andy, have two young children—nine-year-old Anna and six-year-old Henry.
The years are short, but the days were long. Even as a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a mommy. When that day finally came, I was over the moon. We brought our precious baby boy home, and he started to cry and cry and cry. An overbearing relative told me that the baby could feel my nervousness. We had just moved, and since this was 1978, there was no Internet and long distance calls to friends and family were expensive. I felt so alone and bewildered that this experience was not the Hallmark moment I had envisioned. The days were long. How foolish of me not to quickly turn to the living, breathing help available at my new church. Eventually I sought the counsel of wonderful Christian mothers who had dealt with colic and ear infections.
But I quickly fell head first into the quagmire of parental self doubt when I met my very first “Supermom.” Her house was always tidy, her children immaculate. They sang hymns in
four-part harmony at bedtime. And so I agonized over inviting other moms into our modest and quite often messy home. This was brought home to me rather forcibly after an attempted burglary on our house. The burglars had gotten into our basement but had not gained access to the first floor. A police officer who joined the investigation as it was ending
looked around that unburgled first floor with a horrified expression and said, “Look what they did to your house!” My own mother gently reminded me that nobody does everything. Something usually gives. And the days were very long.
God granted me a wonderful friend who truly loved all children and welcomed them into her totally child-centric home. You can imagine the wonderful jumble of planned activities
and the spaces for unplanned creative play. She was totally engaged with the children who entered. My children never wanted to leave her house. And so I felt guilty that I didn’t let
my children paint in the living room or drop playdough on the carpet. Guilt vied with yearning as I snuck furtive looks at the clock to see if it was bedtime for kiddies. I was sure that her days were as long as mine, but she was enjoying hers more. My husband and I thought it was important that we invite children and adults who were not invited elsewhere to our home. As I was explaining this yet again before an Easter dinner, one of my children asked rather wistfully, “Are we ever gonna have just our family for holidays?” I felt I had somehow fallen short in the mommy role. The days were long, and some dinners were extremely long.
And suddenly they are grown, with children of their own. We watch in humble gratefulness as we see our children as loving and already wise Christian parents who continually seek to improve. We admire their willingness to learn from others and marvel at how many seek their counsel. We applaud their prioritization of Christian values in the face of popular parenting myths. We support their efforts to spread the Word to the uninformed or excluded through their love for the marginalized and disenfranchised. We meet the diverse friends they have gathered as family and embrace them as our own. We praise the Lord for his people and his Word in this yet unfinished parenting journey.
The days were long, but the years are short.
Mary Clemons lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Sam. They have three grown children and seven grandchildren.
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Author: Multiple Authors
Volume 105, Number 05
Issue: May 2018
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