Infertility and adoption
My wife is physically unable to have kids. I knew this before getting married and believed at the time that I may at some point become interested in adopting, though I didn't consider myself ready at the time. A few years later, I still do not feel called to being a parent, and I do not see myself being interested in adopting. My wife is struggling with the lack of having children (especially as compared to our friends who are having children), and I feel like I'm failing her by not wanting children. I feel that if I decided to adopt to make my wife happy, this would not be done out of love for a child, and I wouldn't be operating out of the love that a father should have. Is it a sin to not be interested in having children? I have tried to view our situation as a blessing from God as it allows us more opportunities to help others with our free time, but it feels like I am letting my wife down. On a separate note, she is struggling mentally with infertility, and I'm struggling to know how to support her spiritually. It feels like any time a person asks us about children or mentions to her "how great she would be as a mother", it sends her on another downward spiral. I'm not sure how to lift her up and any words of support feel like they are hollow.
The Bible calls children a “heritage” and a “reward” (Psalm 127:3). Of course, people’s attitudes toward children might or might not agree with that.
If a Christian husband and wife are physically able to have children and choose not to have children, they will need to examine their motives to see how they line up with God’s word. Your situation is quite different from that. Still, you and your wife want to understand—and come to an agreement—on other ways in which children might become a part of your family, and that is through adoption.
I cannot say that it is always sinful for a couple not to want to have children. There might be a concern for the physical, emotional or mental state of one or both spouses. In that case, a desire not to adopt is understandable.
When it comes to your question and the concern how to support your wife emotionally, the best course of action for both of you is to speak to your pastor. If, for whatever reason, that is not an option, Christian Family Solutions, an agency within WELS, offers video counseling from the privacy of your home or counseling in a face-to-face environment. This link will take you to their website.
Additionally, you and your wife could benefit from the resources of Christian Life Resources, another agency within WELS. This link will take you to their website. One of the banners at the top of their home page is “Family Topics.” Underneath that banner are categories like “Fertility/Infertility” and “Adoption.” You will find some good reading material there.
On a side note, my wife and I adopted our two children 28+ years ago. Every story is different, I know. We went through infertility tests and then went the adoption route: one was an international adoption and the other domestic. For us, it was one blessing from God after another. All these years later, even with an international adoption, my wife and I have to remind ourselves that our children are adopted.
I hope you have received some help through this response. I really encourage you to follow through with the suggestions for resources that are listed. God bless you and your wife.