About a year ago my strength left me. I could no longer exercise. At times I could barely walk. I thought I was dying. There were days when the best I could do was lie in bed. I couldn’t concentrate well enough to do my college classes. I couldn’t even read fiction. Once a student who could take four classes and be on the dean’s list, I had to drop the one class I was taking. Recently, because of extreme fatigue and compromised memory, I had to quit a job I really enjoyed as a bank teller. My brain fog was too much and no one could figure out how to control it.
Living with a chronic, invisible illness is very difficult. People can’t see how you are feeling. Some say, “It’s all in your head.” Others say, “You look fine.” They don’t understand. How could they, when they have never endured something like this?
Struggling with even the smallest tasks of life has left me very discouraged. Some days it feels as though my body is giving up on me. Leaving my job left me feeling like a failure. I am not strong or successful, and fear I never will be where I want to be in life.
But I have to remember: God knows what is best and has promised to work everything out for my good (Romans 8:28). It is not easy to see what could be good about being so sick I can’t work a regular job. Even doing laundry or walking up stairs involves pain. Wouldn’t God, if he wants what is best for me, make me well so I can be successful and make a lot of money?
That’s how it seems to me, but God knows better, and my eternal welfare is his top priority. If struggling with my health is what keeps me close to him, then I can view that as a blessing.
God allowed St. Paul to suffer with a “thorn in the flesh.” He asked God three times to take it away, yet God answered, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). It may not feel that way, but I am strong through Christ who lived, died, and rose again so I can spend eternity in heaven.
My worth doesn’t come from being successful in the world’s eyes. My worth is not in what I do, but in what God did for me. Jesus considered me worth dying for, and that makes me valuable to God as his precious, forgiven child for eternity.
No matter what happens to my health in this life, I still have Jesus and an eternity of perfect health ahead. Even if I never make a lot of money because of my struggles, I am rich through faith in Christ. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
Sarah Allerding is a WELS certified chaplain. She is one of Jesus’ jewels at Crown of Life, Warren, Mich.
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