In how many activities should my children be involved?

How can we as parents help our children achieve balance in their lives? How much is too much when it comes to extracurriculars? How much is too little? Is there such a thing as too little involvement? How can you help your children make wise choices about their activities? This month’s Heart to Heart authors give us their perspectives—and plenty of things to think about.

---

I’m happy to share some thoughts on how my family has adjusted to the myriad of activities and opportunities for our kids. First, though, I want to point out that I believe every family is different and there are no right or wrong answers. I can’t recall ever hearing a magical number of activities that are recommended or required for kids. I think we can all agree that the number of options for activities has exploded.

Back when I was a kid in elementary school, it seemed my athletic options were basketball and softball. I also played baseball in a community league. The only other activity or group option that I can recall was Lutheran Pioneers or Buckaroos. I rarely remember having practices for my teams in grade school. I’m sure we had some, but I really don’t think they were three nights a week.

Now we could fill this page with nothing but structured activity options through school, church, the community, summer sports camps, etc. Our temptation as parents, and on the part of our kids, is to be involved in more than we can handle. Perhaps there is even a bit of worry as parents that if our children are not taking advantage of the plethora of activities that other families are, maybe our kids won’t grow up as well-rounded adults.

Good friends just signed their son up for the community lacrosse team. Now that sounds fun! I didn’t even know that opportunity existed. Should I mention that to my son?

With no easy answers, how do we make decisions on activities? To be honest, my wife’s and my efforts usually fall on trying to limit participation rather than having our kids overinvolved. Here are a couple priorities we try to keep in mind.

Priority #1: Love

Probably the most important thing we have tried to do is make it clear to our kids that their participation and success in any activity is not something they need to do to get our love. God’s love for us through his Son is unconditional. We don’t need to perform—or be the best—in order to receive God’s love. What we do as Christians is simply a demonstration of our love for God. So in that light of Christian joy and freedom, priority #1 is that the activities the kids choose can be seen as other ways to show love for God and not ways to win Mom and Dad’s approval. That comes free!

Priority #2: Balance

This can get tricky. As adults it seems balance in life can be hard to find, and our own activities and responsibilities feel overwhelming at times. If our kids watch us closely and learn from us, what are we teaching them? Are we teaching them to live a balanced life or a life filled with stress and anxiety? What’s the lesson as we move hastily from one thing to the next, getting short and angry with one another because we always feel late and behind?

I think family balance is important. People tell us that the times when the kids are young will go by fast. I definitely agree! Our family needs time. We need time simply to be together, go for a bike ride, watch a movie, and even do some chores together. (Well, maybe I wish we’d do more chores together!) This is time just to be with one another and nurture our relationships. It’s the time needed to teach and show them God’s love. If the outside activities infringe on the family connectedness, then it’s time for us to pull back.

Looking back in my life, with comparatively few activity options, what did I do with all my time? I wasn’t bored. I have great memories of participating in unstructured activities with friends and family. I’m certainly not calling for us to bring back the “good ‘ole days.” I think all the varied activities offered now are amazing, but developing a few simple priorities has helped our family maintain balance.

Dan Nommensen and his wife, Kelly, have a daughter and a son.

---

We have the same conversation with other parents about the same age about 12 times a summer: “Remember when we were kids? Our moms pushed us out the door after breakfast, and we didn’t come back in until the streetlights came on.”

You can hear us rehearsing this back-in-the-day shtick while sitting at our seventh soccer game of the week, trying to figure out who can take the boys to swimming tomorrow so we can get the girls to dance. Childhood is just different now. Parent-scheduled. Parent-coached. Parent-spectated.

I’m writing this in mid-June, in the interlude between my stepson’s morning baseball practice and afternoon basketball camp. He’ll just have time to eat lunch, play 10 minutes of piano, change from cleat to court shoe, and leave a quarter-cup of the baseball diamond on the carpet before we head to the gym. After basketball, he’ll eat dinner in the car as we drive an hour to a baseball game—one of his three leagues this summer.

As you’re reading this, school is starting, and I bet your schedule’s even crazier. Choir. Band. Math team. Forensics. Soccer. Oh, yeah—and school.

Having only one child to transport at the moment, I shake my head in wonder at the family of eight. Many questions come to mind, all of them variations of, “Is this crazy or what?”

Story: This summer I asked why Billy Schmidt wasn’t playing baseball. Someone explained that the Schmidts went camping on weekends. I’m ashamed to admit that while my mouth said, “Oh, that’s nice,” my mind said, “But Billy’s such a great hitter!”

Another story: Years ago, a dad brought his daughter to her first flute lesson with me. He said, “She probably won’t practice much, but that’s fine with us.” I concentrated on keeping my eyebrows in place. What? They’ll pay for lessons and a fine musical instrument, but they don’t care whether she practices? What about self-discipline? Commitment? Stewardship of God’s gifts?

Years later I think those parents were on to something.

How busy should kids be? That depends on your view of childhood. Which of these sound right to you?

• Kids should dip their toes into many activities—from music to drama to sports to chess.

• Kids should choose just a few activities and fully commit to them.

• Kids should be busy and challenged.

• Kids should just have fun.okay.

And more specifically about each of your kids:

• This kid needs reining in, because she’ll sign up for everything and then whine all year.

• This kid needs a nudge because he’ll play Xbox all day if left to his own devices (no pun intended).

• This kid’s a dabbler, not a committer, and that’s wrong. Or is it?

• This kid only likes the social aspect of teams, which makes sports a waste of time and money. Or does it?

• This kid would do nothing but read, so we need to get her out more. Or do we?

Maybe the ultimate question is this:

• What’s our goal—raising healthy, successful 12-year-olds or healthy, successful 35-year-olds? And how does our answer to that question change our perspective on today’s baseball game or piano recital?

What if we asked the kids? Maybe on that hour-long trip to the game, we could have a discussion—one where we don’t give our opinions at all; we just listen to theirs.

1. What’s your favorite team or club? What do you like about it?
2. What’s your least favorite? What do you dislike about it?
3. Are you doing any of these activities because you think other people—your friends, teachers, or parents—want you to do them?
4. Do we support you enough—driving, watching, cheering, encouraging you, etc.?
5. Do we ever embarrass you at an event? How?
6. Do we ever pressure you too much? How?
7. If you could make one change to your schedule of activities, what would it be?

Our kids are pretty insightful. Their answers might surprise us.

Truth is, I don’t know what’s right for your family. I seldom know what’s right for mine, so I’m not going to judge you.

Maybe the important thing is, whatever we decide, we do so consciously. We don’t thoughtlessly sign every form that comes home in the backpack. And we don’t project our own childhood fantasies onto our kids—not to mention our dreams for their Division I scholarships or the New York Philharmonic.

I’d like to say more, but it’s time for basketball camp. And that quarter-cup of baseball diamond on the carpet won’t vacuum itself.

Laurie Gauger-Hested and her husband, Michael, have a blended family that includes her two 20-somethings and his preteen son.

 

 

Author: Multiple
Volume 102, Number 9
Issue: September 2015

Copyrighted by WELS Forward in Christ © 2021
Forward in Christ grants permission for any original article (not a reprint) to be printed for use in a WELS church, school, or organization, provided that it is distributed free and indicate Forward in Christ as the source. Images may not be reproduced except in the context of its article. Contact us

 

What happens when Mom and Dad have different parenting styles?

Many parents struggle to provide a united front when it comes to raising their children. Mom and Dad have different personalities and backgrounds that can’t help but factor into the parenting equation. So, how do we turn those differences into strengths in our parenting rather than weaknesses that our children—and the devil—exploit? Our three Heart to heart authors this month share how they’ve navigated—and are continuing to navigate—this tricky area of parenting. 

---

My husband and I were both raised in Christian homes, which made for many similar views on parenting. We were not, however, raised in the exact same home. So there are just as many differences. My husband grew up with one studious sister and a stressed single parent who was a university professor. Their idea of fun around the dinner table was discussing comparative wars at the time of the Incas. I was raised in a two-parent parsonage with five raucous siblings. A good time at our house involved counting how many grapes we could stuff in our mouths.

The list of variables in any home is endless. When two people come together to form a family, they bring their pasts. This includes the way they were parented. The sooner my husband and I were able to respect those differences, the better off we were in coming to a common parenting style.

The ground rules that we agreed on after much trial and error were actually fairly few:

• Hash out differences away from the children and present a united front in the presence of the children.

• When differences arise, compromise may entail trying each other’s method.

• If an impasse occurs, always defer to Scripture whenever possible.

• Use great parents as resources. Fellow church members are a wonderful reference library. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice.

Having said this, our children definitely knew that Dad was the “good cop” and Mom was the “bad cop.” They tried to play us against each other occasionally but were usually caught at that nefarious game. Children feel most secure when parents work together. God put the structure in place, and I reminded my children of that often. My rough paraphrase was, “Dad’s the king, I’m the queen, and you’re the serfs. You don’t get a vote, but we take care of you.”

Blended families face a whole different set of difficulties when it comes to parenting styles. There are now multiple people with a voice in the matter. The general principles still apply, however. Respect for the other people involved while putting God’s will above all may not make everybody happy but is the best way to go.

We aren’t born knowing how to parent. If we were blessed to have fine Christian parents, we are truly blessed. We can certainly take away some great lessons. But think about it. We’re required to have a license to drive. Yet we’re allowed to have children without a permit or a written test. It just figures that when you try to get two sinful human beings together on the same page, there are bound to be disagreements about the rules of the road. The best roadmap is always Scripture.

Mary Clemons lives in Tucson, Ariz., with her husband, Sam. They have three grown children and four grandchildren. 

---

I just love meetings! No. Not really. I don’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy the fellowship that we share at our church council and committee meetings. I just don’t think any guy ever said, “I really want to become a pastor so I can go to lots of meetings.”

So why in the world would I choose to have another meeting that I willingly put on my calendar? Because I recognize how important meetings are. They are a chance to communicate the challenges and blessings that we face, a way to proactively address issues before they become problems. And meetings—whether you love them or hate them—are necessary, important, and useful.

So, my wife and I schedule a “Marriage meeting” each month. (I know. I can hear you calling us nerds, but hear me out.)

Each month we get together over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine not for a date but to proactively discuss any issues in our marriage by running through an actual agenda. (Okay, so we are nerds. Fine. I admit it.) But the blessings of this meeting have been huge, not just for my wife and me, but for the kids too. In addition to discussing our worship life, finances, romance and intimacy, workloads, and physical health, each month we talk about the kids too.

We do this because we need to show a united front. Even our two-year-old has learned to go ask Dad for whatever it is Mom just said “no” to. So to stay on the same team, we talk about them behind their backs.

When discussing the kids, we ask these questions:

• Spiritual care—Are we encouraging what matters most? How could we do better?

• Family devotions—How are we doing? How could we improve?

• Church services—How frequently are we attending? How could we get more out of it?

• Education—How are they doing in school? How are we teaching good manners? Finances? Honesty, courage, a good work ethic, etc.? What could we do to improve?

• Health—Are they getting enough to eat? Enough sleep? Enough exercise?

• Discipline—Are we on the same page? Are we being consistent to show a united front?

When we discuss these questions on a regular basis, we often prevent problems before they happen. Others we catch before they get out of hand by discussing how we’re going to deal with an issue together.

It’s said the best thing you can do for your children is have a strong, healthy marriage. That’s what we strive to do as we put God first, then each other, then the boys. And that’s really what our monthly marriage meeting is all about.

Rob Guenther is a pastor in Kenai, Alaska. He and his wife, Becky, have four sons ages 10 and under. 

---

I have to admit that I laughed out loud when Forward in Christ asked if the topic of conflicting parenting styles is something that resonates with me. Oh, yes, it sure resonates—a little too much. Even after three kids and almost 21 years of parenting, I’m afraid my husband, Thad, and I are still working on this in our home.

I’m convinced that how we parent has a whole lot to do with what my counselor friend Sheryl calls your “family of origin.” Were any of us raised the same way, by the same kinds of parents? Unlikely. For example, in Thad’s home, you only talked if there was something that needed to be said. In my home, we were stream-of-consciousness talkers who lacked filters. In his home, you didn’t open up more than one bag of chips at a time. In my home, the cupboard contained a whole bonanza of accessible snacks.

So it’s not surprising how our unique upbringings can influence our parenting styles. And when you combine two very different parenting styles into one marriage, there is bound to be conflict. Thad tends to be the no-nonsense disciplinarian; I tend to be the softie who can lack follow-through. Over the years we’ve learned some tough lessons about melding our parenting approaches, especially when it comes to the inevitable matter of disciplining our kids. Here are some of the lessons we’ve learned—usually the hard way:

• It is important to agree to age-appropriate consequences ahead of time as a couple, then stick to them. Putting consequences in place then not following through only causes confusion for our kids and sends the message that we don’t really mean what we say.

• It’s critical to be a unified parental team in front of our kids. We work not to undermine each other but to back each other up. If I’m not respectful to Thad, why would our boys show him respect? One of the most empowering things Thad does is tell our boys, “You need to listen to your mother.”

• We strive to apply a healthy dose of God’s law, when needed, followed with the soothing balm of the gospel. We are still learning in our parenting journey about discerning the appropriate use and timing of each, depending on the situation.

Even though Thad and I were raised in very different homes, our homes had one thing in common. We were both blessed with godly parents who loved each other, shared God’s Word with us, and modeled the importance of faithful church attendance and selfless service to others as a reflection of God’s love. So despite the differences in how we were raised, the solid foundation of God’s Word was the base upon which our homes were built. And despite any differences Thad and I have in our parenting styles, how comforting it is to know that with Christ at the heart of our home, we will be blessed—and forgiven.

Ann Jahns and her husband, Thad, have three sons, two in college and one in high school.

 

 

Author: Multiple
Volume 102, Number 5
Issue: May 2015

Copyrighted by WELS Forward in Christ © 2021
Forward in Christ grants permission for any original article (not a reprint) to be printed for use in a WELS church, school, or organization, provided that it is distributed free and indicate Forward in Christ as the source. Images may not be reproduced except in the context of its article. Contact us