Request for funeral service
My mother-in-law recently passed at the age of 85 and had not been a member of a church for some time. When I called one of our churches and spoke with the pastor and asked him if he could do the service for us, he told me he did not feel comfortable with that since he did not know her. (I had called another church earlier and was told the same thing.) So I had said to the pastor, "This is so disappointing, I thought we are all God's children and I was just looking for someone to bless her." His reply to that was, "I could say some very blunt things to you right now that would hurt your feelings, but I don't want to do that and hurt your feelings anymore than they are already." What pastor would say something like this to someone grieving at the loss of a loved one?
First, let me express my sympathy to you and your family upon the death of your mother-in-law. Death was an intruder into God’s perfect world, but thanks be to God that Jesus Christ has conquered death and shares his victory with all who are joined to him in faith (John 11:25-26).
Our pastors generally officiate at the funerals of church members and also non-members from whom they received a confession of faith during their ministry to them. When one of our pastors receives a request to officiate at the funeral of a person who did not desire the ministry of the church during life, it certainly seems to be consistent with the wishes of that person not to receive the ministry of the church when life on earth comes to an end.
Pastors conducting funeral services in our churches do not “bless” the deceased. Our pastors minister to the needs of surviving family and friends. If a pastor is not able to officiate at the funeral of someone who was not affiliated with his church or from whom he did not receive a confession of faith, there are ways in which he can minister to the needs of survivors outside a funeral service.
A Christian funeral service is a worship service conducted by the pastor of that congregation. As such, the content of the funeral service reflects the faith that the church teaches and the members profess—especially by their affiliation with the congregation.
Through their calls, our pastors serve as representatives of their congregations. The actions they take reflect on the congregations they serve. Through the decisions that they make regarding funeral service requests, our pastors seek to give the clearest testimony to others of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Through their words and actions, they want others to know that there is salvation only through Jesus Christ (Acts 4:12) and that acknowledging Jesus Christ as Savior is vitally important (Matthew 10:32).
Human beings are God’s children in the sense that they received life from him (Acts 17:28-29), but Christians are adopted members of God’s family who enjoy his forgiving love now and forever (John 1:12-13; Galatians 4:4-5).
As I was not privy to the conversation you had with one of our pastors, I am not able to address the details of it. I would simply encourage you to contact him so that this matter can be resolved peaceably. God bless you.