Not always feeling forgiven

I do see you answering your own question in that you realize the need to “look to the cross and not at myself.” Facts, faith and feelings do not always align properly. Martin Luther wrote much about this. Here’s an excerpt:

“We must not judge by what we feel or by what we see before us. The Word must be followed, and we must firmly hold that these truths are to be believed, not experienced; for to believe is not to experience. Not indeed that what we believe is never to be experienced but that faith is to precede experience. And the Word must be believed even when we feel and experience what differs entirely from the Word. Therefore when in calamities our hearts think that God is angry with us, does not care for us but hates us, faith is nevertheless convinced that God harbors neither wrath nor hatred nor vindictiveness against us nor imputes our guilt…To this conclusion I have come, not by way of my feelings or my present circumstances but through the Word, which says that the mercy of the Lord is over me and all who believe, that His wrath is over all who do not believe. Therefore I shall overcome my thoughts by the Word and shall write this promise in my heart, that after I have come to faith in Jesus Christ and do not doubt that my sins are forgiven me through His blood, I shall not be put to shame though all my senses and my experience speak a different language. Within myself I feel the wrath of God; the devil vents on me his hatred and the world its extreme fury. But the Holy Spirit tells no lies. He bids me hope; for ‘with the Lord there is mercy, and with Him is plenteous redemption’ (Ps 130:7).” [What Luther Says. Vol. I. Page 513]

Here is a way of understanding the difference between facts and feelings. I am 61 years old. Quite honestly, I feel half that age. But does that youthful feeling change my age? Not at all. I cannot lengthen the span of my life, as Jesus said (Matthew 6:27), and I certainly cannot decrease my age. My age is a fact; I am that old whether or not I feel like it.

In a similar way, God says to you: “I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1). He promises you: “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool” (Isaiah 1:18). Your Lord assures you: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27). The peace of forgiveness is yours through Jesus Christ. That is a fact. You have God’s own word on that. Your feelings do not negate that fact.

When you find yourself losing the battle against sin, like the apostle Paul did (cf. Romans 7), find comfort and strength in God’s gospel in word and sacrament. Through those means, hear the voice of your Savior who says to you: “Friend, your sins are forgiven” (Luke 5:20). Hear those words and, through the Spirit’s power, embrace them in faith. Those words are factual, regardless of what your feelings might say. God bless your walk of faith.